a world all our own

A clinically depressed writer and artist looking for beauty in the chaos that is my darkening mind...

Inside the Madness

On losing friends

I’m not trying to sound upset or mad but when you can be this okay with not talking to someone you used to share everything with for months then there is clearly something to be said there.

It’s strange that I’m so okay with letting people slip away from me. I’m one that would rather hold on until the bitter end even when a friendship has run its course and gone bad but it seems more like I’m letting everyone go their own way. I want to be there for them but they’re finding others to turn to.

Should I be this okay with me not caring enough to stop it?

When I think of ‘home’ I no longer think of that old house and a smiling family that kept everything behind closed doors or even seeing everyone in the halls at school. I no longer think of my ex as anything more than a beloved memory. I no longer see my two best friends from the US as the ones I will always turn to.

I feel as though if I was to pass many people I once knew on the sidewalk we would be strangers, ones that once knew each other very well but still stangers. We would exchange hellos and how do you do’s but it would be a forced happiness to see each other.

This is merely me thinking aloud of how far off the track I thought I would be on by now I am and how fine I am with it. I thought things would never change from once they were but time has done a damn good job of proving me wrong.

Back then i thought things were perfect as they were, again I was proved wrong. I didn’t really understand that that was not how human relationships are. It is not only give, it is also take and the people I am thankful to have met here proved that to me.

There was once I cried at night because I moved here but now I’m happy to have moved here, happy to not be moving back there even.

I think of home now and I think of cleaning a blood stain off the hallway floor while trying not to cry and I think of showing the truth while lying through my teeth. I also think of laughing until I cried because of a turtle obsessed hobo and falling asleep while trying my hardest to stay awake to watch a movie marathon or to just be with my friends for a little while longer. I think of cupcakes and muffins and crappy frosting, singing and talking in circles that make complete sense for hours.

So maybe I should be okay with all of this drifting apart. It seems to be good for me and for them.

That might be something too look deeper into another time, for now I’m just going to breathe and keep finding reasons to smile.